Ch-ch-ch-changes

I have recently come to the conclusion that my twenty-second year will be an emotional one. It is such a bizarre feeling having no control over that all-consuming upsurge of emotion that infiltrates my body right before the tears gush out. But that has happened to me numerous times in the past few months. For awhile I found it utterly perplexing--in fact I was about to diagnose myself with some sort of neurosis--but then it hit me that all the major changes in my life are merely culminating with a semi-nervous breakdown.

While I graduated all the way back in December, the concept that I won't be going back to school really didn't hit me until a few weeks ago when I realized that come August 16th, I literally have nothing to do. Ack. That is not a familiar concept to me, and being a person who enjoys the comfort of a certain amount of structure, I first found this notion rather disconcerting. The next major event on my horizon is New Zealand; while I have been fantasizing about moving there for almost two years now, the fact that I am actually going utterly terrifies me. Dreaming and doing are two completely different games; I just hope I am brave enough to live out my dream.

Katherine got married. That still feels so weird to write. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and for lack of a better word, perfect. Joy flowed freely from Katherine the whole weekend, making her even more exquisite. It was such a surreal experience watching her walk down the aisle, so excited for and so certain about her future. In typical Laura fashion these days, I was crying. I'm tearing up again just thinking about it. I mean it was epic; Katherine's wedding is something that will only happen once in our lives, and it has passed. We dreamt about her wedding since we were tots, and watching her and Dad dance to Billy Joel's Lullaby made me lose it. Of course it is also a day I wish I could go back and live again and again because it was one of the happiest days of my life.

Then there's this summer at camp. Realizing it's goodbye is another surreal feeling. As much as I have been looking forward to the day when I won't have to deal with the bullshit of being around you 24-hours a day, the thought that we will not see one another again—a rather realistic thought—is still an upsetting one. Deep down I know that I am too good for you. It finally became clear to me this summer. When you left last year I knew that you were going to be my biggest heartbreak. It's weird to feel so much pain that I struggle to breathe and see, but at the same time it makes me feel so completely human. And that is a beautiful feeling. I hate that I miss the way you smell. I hate myself for letting you kiss me--that despite my dislike for you I still can't say no. It's terrible and it hurts people. However, I'm the most disappointed in myself for putting myself in a situation where I would bring someone else to tears. Why can I say no to countless other men but not to you, someone who has seriously treated me like shit? You led me on and you were selfish. But I believe that when you find the right woman, that will not be the case; you'll break your pattern because you are a good person. You have changed my life in so many ways, and for that I thank you. I wish you happiness and the gumption to persevere. So goodbye, good luck, and strive for greatness.

The truly amazing thing is that despite all of these major changes tugging me in a million different ways, my life continues to get better each and every day. I am constantly surprised by the way everything in my life manages to work itself out the way I want it to. How is that possible and how did I get so lucky? This emotional year will take some getting used to, but I have a feeling it will be the best year of my life. With each and every phase of my life I re-realize how spectacular this world is, and honestly, every time I think things couldn't get any better, they do.